


Psychotic Teamkilling and English Skulls

by Diego_Brando



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Humanstuck, School, Video & Computer Games
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-13
Updated: 2014-12-13
Packaged: 2018-03-01 06:32:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2763185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diego_Brando/pseuds/Diego_Brando
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>High school AU.</p>
<p>notes for this AU-<br/>John’s last name is Crocker and Jake’s last name is Harley, to ensure the family’s are more together<br/>Everyone is human<br/>Callie has blond hair she dyes white and Caliborn has dark black hair<br/>Sburb is an game like Dark Souls or something- like an MMO, but small scale</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Damara stared at the back of Cronus’s head. She hoped that, despite her frosty exterior, he would still fall in love with her and whisk her off her feet and romance her.

Caliborn stared at the back of Damara’s head. He hoped that the bitch died. He leaned out to the side of her and saw Cronus. He hoped that bitch died too. And ahead of him was Eridan. He was ok. Alright, he guessed. Ahead of him was Feferi. Hoped that bitch died too. And then next to her in the front seat was Jane. She had a nice ass, he guessed she could live. He was a man who liked his ladies with some gams on them.

Next to her was Dirk. Probably Cal’s only friend. He even named his drama class puppet (they had to make puppets for a play) after him. Lil’ Cal. 

Caliborn resented his seat in the back corner of the room, but at the same time didn’t want to give it up. Calliope sat up in the top right corner, and Caliborn in the back left. He liked it. Callie had actually wanted the back corner, apparently it was the most anime part of the room. Cal did not give two shits about that, but he just wanted to ensure she didn’t get it.

He hoped that that bitch died too.

Really, the only person he liked was Dirk. Jane looked nice, Eridan had that genocidal lust that Cal adored, Gamzee was open to suggestion and regularly stole food for Cal and himself, mostly because he thought it would make him cool, and he was related to Calliope. Those were the only people he really knew.

The bell rang and Cal left class. It occurred to him that he didn’t know what class he was just in. Fuck it, he didn’t care. He caught up to Dirk.

“Hello. Dirk. It is a nice day. Or so I hear.” Cal said, ever the master of small talk.

“Oh… hi, Cal.” Dirk said, looking away. “I can’t sit with you today at lunch.”

“I know that we aren’t really friends, Dirk. You’re just someone who tolerates me enough to be around me and I’m someone who’s lonely enough to not find anyone better. I’m more friends with you than you are friends with me.” Cal said.

“I know, but I don’t want to say that. It’s cold and heartless.”

“I’m cold and heartless.” Cal said, turning away slightly. “It’s served me well.”

“Has it really?” Dirk asked, stepping away from him.

Cal stopped in the hall.

“Hey! Keep moving, asshole!!” someone shouted at him. Caliborn turned.

The person who shouted had turned out to be Cronus, who then dashed back into the crowd once he learned who he had just yelled at.

Cal continued walking, stepping into the cafeteria. He sat down at his table. The one where he was all alone. Calliope sat there. She used to. She sat with Dirk and Jane and blond girl and short boy. Something something Lalonde or something. And Harley. That kid was a wimp, but damn, Dirk sure liked him.

Cal sat as his own table. “Every king needs a throne.” he said somewhat lamely to himself.

“Heeyyyyyy mothafucka.” Gamzee said as he walked up. “I stole you some cookies.”

“Great. Perhaps that will make you a somewhat desirable person.” Caliborn said. Gamzee dropped a giant sack full of cookies onto the table in front of Caliborn. “Holy shit, that’s like… a…. something.”

“Right? It’s a lotta muthafuckin cookies is what it is.” Gamzee nodded. He had his retarded-ass face paint on, which he rarely ever took off. In the rare cases where he didn’t have a case of white paint on him, he had Damara draw a skull on his face with black pen.

“Well, I haven’t said much to you.” Cal said after eating several cookies. “I’ve been silent mostly. Normally you sit with…. fuckin- Krabkrab or whatever his name is. That kid.”

“Well, I’ve been playing video games with him, Vriska, Tavros, Sol-”

“Get on with it.”

“Well, I accidentally teamkilled a lot of them and they’re all mad at me.”

“Huh.”

Caliborn thought about it. He played video games, sure. Never with people- against them, sure, but he was not a team player. But he liked the idea of getting in and destroying. 

When he got home, he approached Calliope. “Sister. It has come to my attention that you are a lonely bitch.”

“You don’t have to talk to me like that, Cal.”

“It has also come to my attention that video games are a fun way between brother and sister to pass time.”

“I’m worried what this is leading up to.”

“There is a game that my friend. Gamzee. Suggested that I play. It is called Sburb.”


	2. Murder and Forensics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caliborn begins his really, really long plan and Dirk attempts to find holes in it.

“So… I think it’s set up?” Calliope said.

“It’s fine, it’s fine. Just start the fucking game already, god dammit.” Caliborn said back. “Fuck’s sake.”

“Don’t be mean to me!” Callie sat down on the couch. It was the weekend, no school, perfect time to play video games. Gamzee had given Cal a rundown and Callie had learned some from Jane, Jake, blond girl and Dirk. “How’s everyone else doing with the game?”

Caliborn looked at the list Dirk had made up for him.

Red Alpha (Rufioh, Kankri, Porrim, Latula, Arenea, Kurloz)  
-Currently Killed the Black King  
-Trying to make a gigantic spiderweb with all their houses

Blue Alpha (Damara, Mituna, Meulin, Horrus, Cronus, Meenah)  
-Merged with Red Alpha  
-Smashing houses into other houses whenever the planets align

Red Beta (Tavros, Karkat, Kanaya, Terezi, Vriska, Gamzee)  
-Black King vanquished  
-Session currently in war with itself and Blue Beta

Blue Beta (Aradia, Sollux, Nepeta, Equius, Eridan, Feferi)  
-Thanks to Eridan and Gamzee’s teamkilling, session in war  
-chunks of house have formed a lot of satellites

Kids Betas (John, Rose, Dave, Jade)  
-Working towards final boss

Kids Alphas (Me, Roxy, Jake, Jane)  
-Skeletons are fucking everywhere  
“Yeah, nothing really.”

“Do you think I should pick a troll?”

“What the fuck.”

Callie turned the screen to him. “You can pick a human…. but you can also pick a troll.”

“And… what does it do?” Cal asked.

Callie pointed at the screen’s text. “Troll players are a lot stronger and faster, etc etc, but they have a longer echeladder-”

“What.”

“Higher max level.”

“Whatever.”

“They also have less health.”

“Well, I’m picking human. Because I am one.” Cal said. He picked a black t-shirt with some green suspenders and dark green pants. He also went with a green skull mask and a rifle.

Calliope showed Caliborn her character- Callie Ophhee. She’d decked herself out in a dark green coat with some nice cuffs. She’d gone with a staff.

As the entered the game, Callie mashed the taunt buttons. “Oooh~! Look at how pretty my character is!!”

Caliborn pulled out his gun, firing it at Callie at his first opportunity.

“LITERALLY, LITERALLY, WE LITERALLY JUST STARTED THE GAME!! I’M GOING TO GO PLAY WITH THE PEOPLE WHO AREN’T FUCKSTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICKS!!!”

Caliborn grinned. He didn’t care. He actually prefered it this way. It was all part. Of the plan. The plan of Caliborn. He pulled both phones out of his pocket- he had two. One was his, one was recently picked out of Calliope’s pocket. He opened both. The Kid Alpha team had a group chat, evidently, and Calliope was just added. He looked at his phone- Dirk was messaging him.

TT: What the hell. Literally what the fuck. I don’t want to be that guy, but… what the fuck.  
uu: I WAS WONDERING WHAT WOuLD HAPPEN. WHEN I FIRED A WEAPON AT HER. WHEN I FIRED A WEAPON. IN GENERAL.  
uu: IT COuLD BE A uSEFuL NOTE. I DID NOT KNOW IF IT WOuLD HuRT HER OR IF THE DAMAGE WOuLD BE LESSENED OR IGNORED IN GENERAL.  
TT: I suppose that you may be correct. However, it was a bad idea.  
uu: WE SPAWNED IN THE SAME AREA- I HAPPENED TO BE LOOKING AT HER. I DISCHARGED MY WEAPON ON INSTINCT- A SKILL TRAINED IN BY THE FACT THAT IT IS uSuALLY HELPED ME IN THE PAST. uSuALLY THERE IS AN ENEMY OF SOME SORT IN FRONT OF ME. IT WILL EITHER HIT THEM, AND IF I MISS, I INTIMIDATE THEM.  
TT: I’ve never known an AI to be intimidated.  
TT: Very rarely, if at all.  
uu: IT MAY HAVE HELPED.  
TT: Whatever.  
uu: AT ANY RATE, YOu HAVE NOT CONSIDERED THAT MY HITTING OF HER WAS A MISTAKE.  
TT: Dude. I’m looking at your screen as we speak.  
uu: WHAT?  
TT: Callie gave me your session password and I’m observing your game.  
TT: The bullet wound is on one side of her head, just above her ear.  
TT: The exit wound is on the same side. Right through the temporal lobe, if I remember my biology classes.  
uu: THAT MAY BE A COINCIDENCE.  
TT: The second bullet hole is between her ear and eye.  
TT: She’s bleeding from the eyes, as if crying.  
TT: From betrayal.  
uu: HuMOuROuS.   
TT: The exit wound is, again, on the opposite side.  
TT: A note: her blood is green. That’s somewhat interesting. Jake and his sister Jade also have that color of text, and Jade had that color while she was a troll for a bit.  
TT: The Maryams have that color ingame too.  
uu: WHATEVER.  
TT: If I were a forensic investigator, I would say that this may be an accident.  
TT: Or I would, if there weren’t three bullets through the next.  
TT: One moment.  
uu: ALRIGHT.  
\--TimaeusTestified ceased pestering undyingumbrage--

\--TimaeusTestified began pestering undyingumbrage--

TT: I’m back.  
uu: I SEE THAT.  
TT: I just had Lalonde test out a gun of the same type.  
uu: WHAT?  
TT: Roxy. I gave her the code for your gun and had her fire it a little.  
TT: By default, you can’t fire the gun in five round bursts.  
uu: WHAT?  
TT: If you push the trigger down and let it up in the smallest interval, you fire a single round.  
TT: If you hold it down a little longer, you get three rounds off.  
TT: A tiny bit more, you get six rounds.  
uu: I DON’T SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.  
TT: You can’t get five rounds off.  
TT: This is only possible if you pull the trigger five times.  
uu: I COuLD HAVE MISSED A SHOT. THERE’S ONLY FIVE HOLES, THERE MAY BE MORE THAN FIVE BuLLETS.  
TT: Well.  
TT: That is a fair point.  
uu: SEE?  
TT: Wait one moment.  
TT: Wait one god damned moment.  
TT: How many bullets are in your gun?  
uu: CAN YOu OBSERVE THAT?  
TT: I can watch from wherever or I can watch from a player’s POV.  
TT: I don’t get their inventory or ammo count or something like that.  
TT: Whatever.  
TT: If you have troubles now, it’s your fault somehow.  
TT: This is meant to be a 2 player minimum game. Co-op. And what’s more, it’s a difficulty meant for 2 people.  
TT: And what’s more, it’s cross-race. Troll player and human player. Trolls get increased difficulty to start.  
TT: So you get your difficulty plus a harder player’s difficulty.  
uu: I CAN HANDLE IT. 

Caliborn began walking to Calliope’s body and began looting it.

“I do like the look of this staff.” Cal said, putting the skull mask on his face. “I may have to use several weapons.”

“I may have to kill more people, as well.”


	3. House Building

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The twins get into their respective games and Cal lays into his game's enemies.

UU: so… i jUst pUt in this code and i can move my character over?  
GT: yeah, i think that’s how it works…  
TG: lol we rilly need dirk here to handle this  
GG: I’m… fairly certain that’s how it works.  
TG: *really  
TT: Code’s ALPHAKID.

Caliborn looked up from Calliope’s stolen phone. He had work to do.

In game, Cal looked down at his house. It was built up hundreds of times over, and the planet below it had been bombed so many times half the planet had become a bunch of meteors orbiting the remaining chunk.

Cal did indeed have a harder game- he had twice the enemies, but he was a damn good shot. He did not have two planets- he destroyed Callie’s with a lot of explosives. He’d worked through a large percent of the game, and now thanks to Dirk, he had the new code. 

Caliborn continued fighting and building his house up for the rest of the day. He’d upgraded his gun do be all gold and light-covered, improved Callie’s coat and started wearing it despite the tatters it started to gain, and he’d upgraded Callie’s staff into a golden pimp cane. The end was super glowy and sparkly. 

Cal glanced at the ceiling- he heard the sounds of a lot of clicking. Calliope was evidently going nuts on something. He checked the phone.

UU: how am i doing?  
GT: well, that revolver i gave you seems to be working fine!  
TG: i am soooo diggin that wand you got too  
TG: wizerds are so coil  
TG: *cool

She was using a pistol and wand. Cal smirked. Checking through the past messages, he found several codes for a nice looking rifle and a jetpack.

Cal ignored both and instead continued building and climbing his house. He was so close to the battlefield he could see the damn thing. Angrily, he leapt off the side of his house, plummeting back to the ground. Taking out his pimp cane, he grinned. He began beating the shit out of anything he could find that looked remotely sentient. He fucked up a few statues pretty hard. Also several salamanders. And so many salamanders, but besides that, a lot of skeletons and big skeletons. Cal beat everyone in his vicinity to death, consumed their grist, and then began shooting. Nailing a skeleton through what would have been its eye, he began walking towards the hundreds of enemies. 

Due to the fact that he had two planet’s worth of enemies on half of one planet, he had a lot to shoot at. It was very hard to miss, but once he had actually hit himself when a bullet had gone all the way around the planet in a complete orbit ending in his ribcage.

After going on a total massacre, he sat down, removing his mask. Pulling a PC out of his inventory, he began increasing the size of his house. For good measure, he made a jetpack too.

Stepping back to his house, he equipped his jetpack, jumping several house lengths at a time. He did like how his coat flapped in the wind below him. Landing on where he had left off, he looked back up at the battlefield. His house almost touched it, and he began climbing up the stairs. He ignored the jetpack he still wore, mostly so he could keep shooting whoever he ran into. 

He got to the top of his house, and began feeling weird. Almost like he was being pulled. He jumped, and had a second of hang time longer than he normally did. Hitting the gas on his jetpack,he floated off, and began falling.

Struggling to get himself under control, he managed to get himself what was now right-side up, and landed. Taking no fall damage again, he brushed himself off and looked around the new landscape. It was checkerboarded and flat.

Caliborn looked behind him. A giant stepped. A giant with a crown.

The Black King.


End file.
